haha.. i just wrote in my written journal.[ book. not internet one. my diary made of paper ] my diary. haha. anione wanna read mus look for me first.

wellx.. i just.. want my electric guitar. wehhs. cry. so badly. i cant have one. even though money isnt any restriction. i just. cant have one. my dad says it'd be noisy.. and that my interest will change.. all that crap.. i jus cant get the image of an electric out of my head. i want it. arrgh.

well. today. morning, woke up at 6.30+.. late la. lol. had lessons.. recess.. lesson.. den at 11.35 went dwn to e canteen.. PSLs going to elias park pri go conduct leadership training..

well.. got wet. lol. but it sure was fun. =D. haha. ok, lets talk about feelings now.

i just havent seen valen for so long.. i'm just so busy. occupied.. i want to contribute all my soul out to TMS. once more. just be ultra enthu. one last time. without boundaries like parents.. family, friends, restricting me. one last time. is all i request. run around the school doing all the odd jobs. "eugene go and take the masking tape!" "eugene! go and run up to control room, pass this to ming jie ask him play NOW." well.. for once i'd like to do all that crap. once again. before i leave.

i dont kno why i'm so infatuated over running into relationships. [well. not that im regretting]. but.. i just forget all my other commitments. all my other priorities. when girls come into my life. girls = number 1. be it av, enterprise, studies, PSL, family,fiends, tuition, IT, work, self-time, resting. joking around. fooling around. no more time for these things animore. choose one out of all. maybe 3 at the most. and its always girl + av + friends. with friends there's joking arnd. and fooling arnd. bt no self time. no study time. argh. fuck. lol.

just wanna take time to comment.

What.in.the.world.is.TMS.AV.Crew.all.about.

many of you may have heard me talking about this a few billion, zillion times. im not stupid, not retarded, spastic, whatever u may call it. im aware of my repitition. it has a purpose. to drill into ur puny lil minds out there, that what i do, isnt just press the play, pause, stop, rewind, FF, buttons. nothing like that at all.. what do i do?

temasek av crew. made up of 6 departments. Management. Sound. Lighting. Media. Followspot. Backstage. many of you think. AV? jus press the fucking button la. right. if any of u can actually play a track out to main system properly, then i salute u. to be able to wire everything, without pre-hand knowledge. would be great. but, that isnt the case here. eg. SOP for setup. turn on mixer. turn on tower. MiPro receivers, e power shit, 4 Shure wireless receivers, graphic EQ, AUX Amplifers, Main Hall Ampliers. for cd player, turn on cd. put cd in, press play. raise "fader" and gain. route CD player to [1-2], [3-4] or [mix], raise respective sub/master faders. route [1-2]/[3-4] out to mix. fade mix up. and then there's EQ. "HF, EQ sweep for mid-hf, mid-hf, EQ sweep for mid-lf, mid-lf, LF." fun sia eq. lol. so thats our mixer. so much more to learn.

its not just this. this isnt my job. my job. my job. is to co-ordinate with the entire crew. to make sure things go smoothly. help out wherever i can. conduct briefings. de-briefings. all that shit. the norm that an IC does. joon tat. does things like this too. so the next time a wireless mic isnt tured on, Please. PLEASE. do not scream, jeer, holler at us. we know what to do, we kno whats wrong. u try la.. nt easy to do this u noe?

we dont get credits, no shit. i mean. for small time performances and all that, i dont mind. well.. some of u may say, "why continue la.. quit the stupid av club and let it die la. like ur problem like that." why? i'll quote. who? joon tat. im not groaning or anything. jus informing the world. im doing this. cos i want the world to know. so. "Why continue la. Quit the STUPID AV CLUB. LET IT DIE. As if its ur problem like that." i get real pissed. well. quote Shingkai [Joon Tat] ~

dun feel like doing then dun do?. gene. there are many things in life that u wont wanna do. and even thought now u have a choice, sometimes in life, u dont. are u just going to keep running away and taking the 'easiest' path? then let me tell u the easiest path in life. suicide. as much as i hate that word, that's the easiest path.. i dont know. ultimately it is still your decision. your life, your sky, your decisions. i can't fully understand how u feel, nor can u to i. nor can i to anybody else, nor can u to anybody else. for the simple reason that u are not anybody else, nor am i. just to tell u 1 thing. if u're going to let down everybody else around u who are working their best, at least dont let down yourself. ja. why did u get posted to temasek? why did u come into AV? why? ugly pretty stupid smart whatever, all of us were born successful. of what? of surviving.you want others to have confidence in u, to believe in u, u must have confidence in yourself first. how do u expect a person to believe in u when u dont believe in yourself? u promised me u will be strong gene. u promised me. and now u're not even a quarter into the heat and u wanna just give it up?. what i'm saying is a little harsh. but it's the hard truth and cold reality. maybe it's because u are rather sheltered from the rain and shine. that's why u cant see it. everybody is tired gene. everybody. everybody around u if fighting a harder battle. if the billions of people who are more unfortunate than u out ther can do it, i dun see why cant u. dont u ever stop to think how fortunate u are? out of all the wars in the past, why were u the one born to live this life? why did u survive?

gee. i hope no one minds me posting like this. im saying, the next time we make decisions, that makes others suffer, or maybe. not benefit. pls remember, that we have reasons. why i continue doing av? i do it for my own sake. my pride. my entire SOUL is in this crew.

im going to tell a story. this shall be the first of my collection.

 i planned to turn this ship around. now the smoke is blinding. and i hear screams around. [my job isnt just steering this sinking ship. i have family to care about, my other stuffs. IT club, enterprise. PSL. all that. also valentia.] the boat just doesnt kno where its headed for anymore. we just go with our intuition and pray that shore is near. just then, the two captains. they drown and die. one survives, but is crippled, and cant do much. not many in the crew can drive a ship. there are only a handful who can turn the steering, who can dodge those icebergs. prevent the ship from sinking. and the thing is that. we've got ourselves a new crew recently. inexperienced but brewing with potential. can the remaining crew bring that potential out? with joon tat gone nxt yr, and me too. who will lead? thats the ultimate decision. my life. my sky. my decision.

eugene